Monday, February 12, 2007
Friday, February 02, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Vroom Vroom!
I'm a Mazda Miata!
You like to soak up the sun, but your tastes are down to earth. Everyone thinks you're cute. Life is a winding road, and you like to take the curves in stride. Let other people compete in the rat race - you're just here to enjoy the ride.
Take the Which'>http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar">Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Guys: Not Real Bright
I've been recently reading a gem of a book called "Guys: Not Real Bright and Damn Proud of It" by William Thomas. A collection of short stories which highlight idiocy etc. This one made me laugh out loud, so I felt the need to share.
A Guy's Guide to Good Housekeeping
In the past year I've had so many cleaning ladies come and go at my house, they've set up a "Take a Number" system at the kitchen door. I can't understand it. I'm not a real stickler for neatness. A little dusting, a little vacuuming, scrub and polish a few floors, take my clothes home and bring them back clean, replace the odd shingle on the roof, cut the lawn, paint the shed - where else are you going to make twenty bucks that easy?
Knowing what I know about house cleaning, if I were setting up a live alone (solitary confinement with unlimited day and night passes), there are a few general rules I'd follow faithfully.
First and foremost, buy all your fabric furniture, pillows, and rugs in the same color. Make sure that color perfectly matches the color of your cat's fur. You can save yourself years of vacuuming and eventually, if left to thicken and mesh, the furry fabrics will take on an expensive angora look.
Have an artistic friend come in and paint landscapes on all your windows. That way, when the dirt and grime builds up on the glass, it just looks like the nearby countryside is dirty.
Beat the buildup of dishes in the sink - keep only one table setting of everything. That way, when all your cutlery and all your china have been used, it still looks like you've just had a light snack. Paper and plastic are fine for guests. After all, when you're single, the object is to get invited out to dinner, not play host to the masses.
For the single person, the refrigerator becomes the chilling museum. A few simple rules apply. If it's green and showing vital signs of life, but not in the vegetable crisper, toss it. Anything in the freezer wrapped in a newspaper headlined "Trudeau to Divorce" ought to be carefully examined before consumption. When fruit shrivels up to the point where you can't tell your oranges from your McIntosh apples, throw them into a high-speed blender, add white rum, and call them daiquiris. And if all your cheeses look like blue cheese, but you don't buy blue cheese, you might consider making a deposit at your nearest bacteria research bank.
Pet control is important to singles because when there's only two of you, who wants to be in second place? You can easily keep the cat from sleeping at the foot of the bed by spraying that area with heavy doses of WD-40. After he slips off a few times in his sleep, he'll find an alternative spot at ground level. To combat those tell-tale cat odours, I regularly add a little Old Spice cologne to his drinking water, and I crush one or two breath mints into his Seafood Supreme.
Dust balls, if lacquered and threaded with string, can make inexpensive and interesting ornaments at holiday time. Small rugs and mats can be easily and quickly cleaned by hanging them on your car aerial before you drive through the car wash. And remember, those gobs of toothpaste that cling to the sink make fine after-dinner mints when dried.
Sometimes a chance is as good as real house cleaning. For instance, if you don't have time to do thorough room-to-room purgation of the place, I find that merely moving the pizza boxes and the empty bottles from one room to another can give you a fresh outlook on things.
Occassionally things will get beyond your control. You're in trouble when the cat prefers living in the tool shed, or your friends ask you to meet them at the corner for drinks when the party's supposed to be at your place.
At the point when the painted landscapes look like summer in Sudbury and vultures are gathering on your windowsills, you have three options: seal off certain rooms with "Time Capsul" signs, sandblast your house from the insdie, or host a family dinner.
The family dinner option is the most fun and the least expensive. Haul out the plastic forks, the paper plates, and the green cheese fondue and invite your loved ones over. No self-respecting siblings can stand idly by and watch you being slowly soiled to death in your own house. By the time you and the brother-in-law have figured out what's wrong with the Blue Jays over beer and pretzels, the house looks like the centrefold in Better Homes and Gardens. Presto! Safe for another six months.
And really, isn't that what families are for? Keeping the single male members from having to testify before the board of health?
A Guy's Guide to Good Housekeeping
In the past year I've had so many cleaning ladies come and go at my house, they've set up a "Take a Number" system at the kitchen door. I can't understand it. I'm not a real stickler for neatness. A little dusting, a little vacuuming, scrub and polish a few floors, take my clothes home and bring them back clean, replace the odd shingle on the roof, cut the lawn, paint the shed - where else are you going to make twenty bucks that easy?
Knowing what I know about house cleaning, if I were setting up a live alone (solitary confinement with unlimited day and night passes), there are a few general rules I'd follow faithfully.
First and foremost, buy all your fabric furniture, pillows, and rugs in the same color. Make sure that color perfectly matches the color of your cat's fur. You can save yourself years of vacuuming and eventually, if left to thicken and mesh, the furry fabrics will take on an expensive angora look.
Have an artistic friend come in and paint landscapes on all your windows. That way, when the dirt and grime builds up on the glass, it just looks like the nearby countryside is dirty.
Beat the buildup of dishes in the sink - keep only one table setting of everything. That way, when all your cutlery and all your china have been used, it still looks like you've just had a light snack. Paper and plastic are fine for guests. After all, when you're single, the object is to get invited out to dinner, not play host to the masses.
For the single person, the refrigerator becomes the chilling museum. A few simple rules apply. If it's green and showing vital signs of life, but not in the vegetable crisper, toss it. Anything in the freezer wrapped in a newspaper headlined "Trudeau to Divorce" ought to be carefully examined before consumption. When fruit shrivels up to the point where you can't tell your oranges from your McIntosh apples, throw them into a high-speed blender, add white rum, and call them daiquiris. And if all your cheeses look like blue cheese, but you don't buy blue cheese, you might consider making a deposit at your nearest bacteria research bank.
Pet control is important to singles because when there's only two of you, who wants to be in second place? You can easily keep the cat from sleeping at the foot of the bed by spraying that area with heavy doses of WD-40. After he slips off a few times in his sleep, he'll find an alternative spot at ground level. To combat those tell-tale cat odours, I regularly add a little Old Spice cologne to his drinking water, and I crush one or two breath mints into his Seafood Supreme.
Dust balls, if lacquered and threaded with string, can make inexpensive and interesting ornaments at holiday time. Small rugs and mats can be easily and quickly cleaned by hanging them on your car aerial before you drive through the car wash. And remember, those gobs of toothpaste that cling to the sink make fine after-dinner mints when dried.
Sometimes a chance is as good as real house cleaning. For instance, if you don't have time to do thorough room-to-room purgation of the place, I find that merely moving the pizza boxes and the empty bottles from one room to another can give you a fresh outlook on things.
Occassionally things will get beyond your control. You're in trouble when the cat prefers living in the tool shed, or your friends ask you to meet them at the corner for drinks when the party's supposed to be at your place.
At the point when the painted landscapes look like summer in Sudbury and vultures are gathering on your windowsills, you have three options: seal off certain rooms with "Time Capsul" signs, sandblast your house from the insdie, or host a family dinner.
The family dinner option is the most fun and the least expensive. Haul out the plastic forks, the paper plates, and the green cheese fondue and invite your loved ones over. No self-respecting siblings can stand idly by and watch you being slowly soiled to death in your own house. By the time you and the brother-in-law have figured out what's wrong with the Blue Jays over beer and pretzels, the house looks like the centrefold in Better Homes and Gardens. Presto! Safe for another six months.
And really, isn't that what families are for? Keeping the single male members from having to testify before the board of health?
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Exciting Updates
Nothing really exciting going on here, just wanted to get your attention is all.
My page is really pink now isn't it? How girly.
I have started (thanks to Mike) a myspace blog. It is also very pink. You can receive more lovin from me by usin the link over a bit there. I still plan to write and link out to a lot of stuff in this blog, and use the other one for pics (WAY easy to upload), books, food, you know, important crap like that.
Also, my camera died over Christmas and I'm very upset about it. I am hoping to buy another Fuji or an Olympis because then my way-too-expensive memory cards will still work in the new camera. Suggestions are welcome.
That's all folks!
My page is really pink now isn't it? How girly.
I have started (thanks to Mike) a myspace blog. It is also very pink. You can receive more lovin from me by usin the link over a bit there. I still plan to write and link out to a lot of stuff in this blog, and use the other one for pics (WAY easy to upload), books, food, you know, important crap like that.
Also, my camera died over Christmas and I'm very upset about it. I am hoping to buy another Fuji or an Olympis because then my way-too-expensive memory cards will still work in the new camera. Suggestions are welcome.
That's all folks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
